Did You Hear My Calls?!

Dear Death,

You were in my life from the moment I was introduced to this world. I didn’t know who or what you were, but you were always there in the distance. I got told about the night my mom and I were hit by a car and how I was lucky to survive the accident. They also told me that you weren’t ready to take me, that you had arrived too late and that’s why I survived, but I bet you were close by. You first fully showed yourself to me when I was just old enough to know what your job was, yet I still had no clue how you affected everyone’s lives.

I first saw the damage you cause when my cousin’s grandfather died. I’m sure you just wanted a friend and you knew that he would no longer fear you now that he was ready, but again I didn’t feel the pain you caused. I thought that maybe since I’ve always known you to be around you took that pain away from me.

I heard stories of how you were evil and that you took the young and the old, that you were something to be feared of. My parents always told me that you only took the perfect souls first before they stopped being perfect anymore, and that’s why you didn’t care about the age, that I shouldn’t be afraid of you.

However, the first time you hurt my family was when you took my uncle away from us. At the same time, your friend Love entered my life, and it was Love who took your pain away and replaced it with joy. I didn’t know my uncle, I had never met him nor my grandfather which you took long before I was even in this world, so as much as I wanted to feel pain and sadness I didn’t. I knew who you were, I knew what you did, and I’ve seen the pain you inflict on those friends and families that didn’t see you coming to take a loved one away, yet I felt nothing.

After a while, I was alone, with no friends or family that I felt like I could talk to. Then I remembered you and I thought that maybe we could be friends. I tried to call out for you but you never heard me, or if you did you didn’t come to me. I wanted to be your friend for a very long time, I tried many times but you were good at ignoring me. I gave up for a while just to see if you would be visible to me again, but I think you knew that I wasn’t done trying to call for you. That night after your friend Love took my heart I called out to you for one final time, and to my surprise, you showed yourself but you had taken my face. You told me to stop calling for you that you were not ready for me and that I should stop waiting around for you and enjoy the beauty of life, but I didn’t want to listen.

I thought it was a joke when I first heard about what you had done. When they told me that you took her away from me. A sick, cruel and disgusting joke …. but it wasn’t was it?

Did I make you mad for wanting to be your friend? Is that why you decided to take my grandmother away from me? You took her away just before I had the chance to see her again. You knew how much I loved her yet you decided to take her far away from me before I could get to see her in her fullest health. I know she wasn’t afraid of you, but you didn’t have to take her. But you did, you took her and that was when I felt the pain, the sadness, the heart aches that not even Love could take me away from. I started to see the collateral beauty, as you would call it. I saw my mother get torn into pieces, I saw your friend Love vanish from her eyes, I don’t think they are together anymore, and I saw you in the face of my grandmother. I still remember your face when I think of my grandmother, how mad I was at you for listening to her calls but not mine, and the damage you have caused in my family.

I used to think that you picked the purest and kindest people in the world first to be your friend. I used to think that you were just an enemy and that you just wanted me to suffer, and that’s why you never came to me when I called for you, or that I wasn’t good enough for you. I now know that you only pick the people you are ready to be friends with no matter the age, their heart, or their fears. It was you that needed to be ready for them to enter your world, and you didn’t have all the control in your hands, it was your friend Time that told you who to pick and who not to. Even though I know you’re there in the distance ready to see what the world has for you next, with your friend Time next to you, I know to not be afraid, to not call out for you, and you’ll come when you are ready.

– xoxo Fashionista

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